一养鸡场的种公鸡有些老了，场主决定买一只新公鸡配种。年轻的公鸡买来了，趾高气扬地与老种鸡见了面。
老公鸡说：“我知道你瞧不起我。记着，谁都有年轻的时候。
今天咱俩来个赛跑怎么样？如果你嬴了，看见没有？”，老公鸡指指院子里的小母鸡们，“全是你的了”。小公鸡胸有成竹，问：“怎么跑？”老公鸡说：“围房子跑20圈，谁先跑完谁嬴。”
开跑后仅两三圈，小公鸡已领先半圈。至第8圈，小公鸡仅差两米就超老公鸡一圈了。这当口老公鸡一声惨叫，屋内的场主以为来了黄鼠狼，提着猎枪冲出屋来，只见新买的小公鸡紧追老公鸡不放。场主怒火中烧，举起枪一枪便了结了小公鸡。场主气哼哼地往屋里走，自语道：“真他妈倒霉，怎么买的公鸡都是同性恋？打死四只了！
一男子在公园找他的狗，後来发现他的狗正与一位女孩的狗在办事。望著满脸羞红的女孩。
男子一脸挑逗的说：像那样的事，我也会做喔！
只听那女孩不好意思的说：
那…
那你就试试看啊。反正那是你家的母狗。
一职员迟到了, 经理不满地问: "你怎么迟到了!" 职员说: "我妻子为了生孩子, 折腾了一宿!" 经理信了.
Adapted from http://xiaohua.zol.com.cn
早晨，你醒来，枕边躺着一只断气的蚊子，旁边有一封遗书：我奋斗了一夜，也没能刺破你的脸皮，它厚的让我无颜活在这个世上，主啊！请宽恕他吧，我是自杀的.
Adapted from http://xiaohua.zol.com.cn
一对80岁的夫妇想要个孩子。他们去医生那里咨询，医生表示是可能的，并给这对夫妇一个瓶子，让他们采集精子和卵子然后医生来给他们人工授精。第二天，夫妇俩把一个空瓶子还给了医生。医生奇怪的问到：怎么了。老人回答：昨天我们一回家就开始了，我先是用自己的手弄，但没效果，然后我夫人用她的手帮我，也没用，于是她又用她的嘴，后来她手口并用，连牙都用上了，可我就是就是……“就是无法勃起是吗？”医生问到。
“不是”老人回答“我就是打不开这个瓶子盖！
Adapted from http://xiaohua.zol.com.cn
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries and problems inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffering
* The Enduring
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
Adapted from http://www.ahajokes.com/
First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
To : Professor _______________
From: ____________________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:
Tick wherever applicable.
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Whites
__ Minorities
__ Students
__ People
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ STD
__ fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat,bird (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
Adapted from http://www.ahajokes.com/
Eye halve a spelling chequer (I have a spelling checker)
It came with my pea sea (it came with my PC)
It plainly marques four my revue (It plainly marks for my review)
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. (Mistakes I cannot see)
Eye strike a key and type a word (I strike a key and type a word)
And weight four it two say (And wait for it to say)
Weather eye am wrong oar write (whether I am wrong or right)
It shows me strait a weigh. (It shows me straight away)
As soon as a mist ache is maid (As soon as a mistake is made)
It nose bee fore two long (it knows before too long)
And eye can put the error rite (And I can put the error right)
Its rear lee ever wrong. (It’s rarely ever wrong)
Eye halve run this poem threw it (I have run this poem through it)
I am shore your pleased two no (I am sure you’re pleased to know)
Its letter perfect in it's weigh (Its letter perfect in it’s way)
My chequer tolled me sew. (My checker told me so)
-- Sauce unknown (Source unknown)
Adapted from http://www.ahajokes.com/
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't finge?
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you can be filling in a form
By filling it out.
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Adapted from http://www.ahajokes.com/
